BREAD MAKER COMMITS SUICIDE

After being expected to produce bread several times a week for the last 2 years, the bread maker formerly residing atthe home of Arwen North threw itself off the counter last night in an apparent attempt to hang itself from its electrical cord. It appears that when the cord could not hold the weight of the whole machine, the machine crashed to the floor causing irrepairable damage to itself and its contents. Witnesses say that ensuing crash was loud enough to wake all the members of the household around 11:30pm... sending two of them into the kitchen to find out what had happened. Damage from the successful suicide included separation of the lid and machine, horrible disfiguration of the lid as well as broken glass. The floor was thankfully left undamaged. The bread machine, which was at the time of death, pregnant with yet another batch of dough, left its contents splayed across the kitchen floor with mixing paddles and bread pan loosely thrown on top. Whether the contents colluded with the machine in any way is still under investigation. It is also unclear as to whether this recent suicide will have any effect on future safety precautions for the unmonitored use of bread machines. Such safety precautions may involve the use of physical restraints which some parties believe to be inhumane treatment of workers. It seems that like teenagers, household appliances can revolt against hard labour and find any excuse to stop production. It is noted that this suicide is the second this week in the same household. Earlier this week, the dryer was said to have attempted to burn the house down by overheating and refusing to tumble the laundry.

Arwen North 2008